How to give tough feedback when someone gets defensive like a leader, not a manager

October 26, 2026

It’s Tactical Tuesday!

Here is the Thought, Tip, and Tool of the week...need Leadership 101 tools? Start here.

NEW: All FOUR leadership card boxes + All leadership tools. One COMPLETE collection.

You’ve been asking for all of our leadership tools in one place. Here it is.

The COMPLETE Leader Collection brings together all FOUR physical + digital card boxes:

Say THIS, Not THAT: Find the words for tough conversations.
Coach THIS, Not THAT: Ask questions that build ownership.
If THIS, Then THAT: Identify the conversation you need to have.
Team Meeting Activity Cards: Get your people talking, thinking, and working together.

PLUS the Complete Leader Playbook, 52-Week Leadership Skills Program, 200+ Leadership Questions, 10 Meeting Agendas, Manager vs. Leader Guide, templates, and From Manager to Leader audio compilation.

Practical tools to help you build WITH your people, not FOR them.

Launch price: $297. Digital access included immediately.

Get the COMPLETE Leader Collection →

Say THIS, IF THIS, and Activity Cards ship immediately. Coach THIS physical cards are on preorder and ship separately when available. Digital access of all tools are included instantly.

Already own some of these tools? Reply to this email and let me know what you have. I’ll help you find the best way to complete your collection without buying the same tools twice.

___________________________

The Thought

Did you know… when someone gets defensive, they may stop hearing the feedback you're trying to give.

Pushing harder rarely helps.

Leaders don't ignore defensiveness or abandon the conversation.

They slow down, create space, and help people get back to the feedback.

Quote:
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” – Stephen R. Covey

___________________________

The Tip

Remember to…

1. Pause when defensiveness shows up

A manager says:

“This is exactly what I'm talking about!”

A leader says:

“Let's pause for a second. I can see this is landing hard.”

Then ask:

What part of what I just said is hitting you the hardest?
What are you reacting to right now?

Don't keep stacking feedback when someone has stopped hearing you.

Think about someone putting their hands up to protect themselves.

Throwing more at them doesn't help.

Pause. Give them space to respond.

2. Address the defensiveness without backing off

A manager says:

“You're being too defensive.”

A leader says:

“I'm not trying to attack you, but we do need to be able to talk about this without shutting down.”

Then ask:

What do you feel like I'm saying about you?
What are you hearing that I may not actually be saying?

You can acknowledge someone's reaction without taking back the feedback.

The goal isn't to make them agree with everything you say.

It's to help them stay in the conversation.

Slow the conversation down without lowering the standard.

3. Go back and finish the feedback

A manager says:

“Can we finally get back to the point?”

A leader says:

“Let's go back to what happened and why it matters.”

One of my favorite tools is the SBI Model from the Center for Creative Leadership:

Situation: When and where did it happen?

Behavior: What specifically did you observe?

Impact: What effect did it have?

Then ask:

Can we go back to looking at what happened together?
What do you see now that we've slowed things down?

Think about hitting traffic on a road trip.

You don't abandon the trip.

You slow down, work through it, and keep going.

Feedback works the same way.

Managers try to push through defensiveness.

Leaders address it, bring people back into the conversation, and finish the feedback together.

___________________________

The Tool

Short Video: Learn how leaders give tough feedback when someone gets defensive without escalating the conversation or backing away from accountability.

See how to pause, address defensiveness, and use the SBI Model to bring the conversation back to the facts and move forward together.

Watch the viral video on TikTok

Watch this video & read the post on LinkedIn

Watch this video on Instagram

Watch this video on Facebook

Or watch other CLA videos here on YouTube

___________________________

Leadership Question of the week…

Here is the top question this week from our 200+ Leadership Questions (part of our Complete Leader Package. Don’t have these? Get instant access here.

❓ How do you feel about the feedback you get from me and the team?

❓ What feedback works best for you?

❓ How can I improve the way I give feedback?

___________________________

Activity of the week…

Here is the top activity this week from our 52 Team Meeting Activity Cards. Don’t have these download? Limited time offer: Only $30 (usually $47). Use code: ACTIVITY30

Get your physical box of cards here

Check out my Team Meeting Activities Playlist here

Want more Leadership 101 tools?

Ready-to-use tools to help you say it, coach it, and lead it like a leader, not a manager.

-> NEW RELEASE: Coach THIS, Not THAT Cards for Leaders. 52 real-world coaching conversations designed to help you stop solving every problem and start developing people who can think, decide, and lead. Each card gives you the questions to ask using the 3 C’s Coaching Framework: Curiosity, Clarity, and Co-Creation. Pre-order the physical box today and get the digital version instantly for free. Get the $57 pre-order launch special here →

-> Order your 52 Say THIS, Not THAT Cards w Box. Simple Manager vs. Leader language shifts to start speaking like a leader, not a manager. Order now and receive your physical box shortly (ships in days). Digital version available instantly. Order today and start shifting your language from manager to leader! Limited time launch discount when you order here!

-> Spark better decisions before the conversation even starts. Stop reacting in tough moments. These tools, decision prompts, and conversation frameworks will make your leadership conversations clearer and more confident in 2026. Pre-Order your 52 IF THIS, Then THAT Cards w/ Box. Physical box ships mid-late March. Digital version available instantly. Order today and stop guessing in hard conversations. Limited time launch pricing available here.

-> Get instant access to the most popular Complete Leader Package - the Ultimate Leader Toolkit with EVERYTHING included. Leaders love having over 200 questions for 1:1s, team meetings, and leadership meetings. Plus, 52 team meeting activity cards so you’ll never have to plan another activity again! 52 Say THIS, Not THAT cards, 52 Leadership Skills Program, Leader Playbook, and more. Get everything with the Complete Leader Package.

-> Want just the team meeting activity cards in a box? Order them now - ships immediately. Limited available ONLY $30 with ACTIVITY30 Code (limited time). Order now!

-> New leader? Grab the NEW LEADER Bundle here and get both the Complete Leader Package and Activity Cards Box, plus a bonus program: 52 Leadership Skills to unlock your leadership potential this year. Use IGNITEIT20 for 20% off as a special thank you. Learn more.

-> From Manager to Leader: An Audio Compilation of 100+ Manager vs. Leader Videos. 16 chapters. 3.5–4.5 hours. 100+ leadership videos organized by topic. Perfect for your commute, workout, or before your next difficult conversation. Launch Special! Get your copy here →

Thank you for leading and lifting others out there!

-Dwight

P.S. Want to share this Tactical Tuesday newsletter via text, social, or email? Simply copy and paste this link: https://completeleadershipacademy.com/blogs/tactical-tuesday/how-to-give-tough-feedback-when-someone-gets-defensive-like-a-leader-not-a-manager